Cronulla Embraces the Behemoth: Introducing SUV-Only Roads and Supersized Parking Spaces

Finn Seabrook | Local Correspondent | Sutherland Shire Gazette

21 January 2025

In a bold move that’s left urban planners scratching their heads and Tesla owners crying into their oat lattes, Cronulla has decided to buck the anti-ute trend sweeping the nation.

While other regions fret over urban congestion and shrinking parking spaces, Cronulla’s local council has gone all-in on its love affair with oversized vehicles. They’ve announced plans for SUV-only roads and RAM-friendly parking zones, cementing the Shire as the spiritual home of the four-wheel fortress.

“This isn’t just about embracing the ute lifestyle; it’s about celebrating who we are,” declared Councillor Max Grunt, standing atop his dual-cab RAM 1500 as it idled majestically on a patch of grass that used to be a children’s playground.

“Cronulla’s about freedom, adventure, and the sheer joy of driving a car so large it blocks out the sun for nearby pedestrians.”

The proposal includes converting main thoroughfares like Kingsway and Elouera Road into SUV-only zones, complete with widened lanes, reinforced bridges, and bespoke potholes designed to give suspension systems a bit of a workout. Residents driving sedans or hatchbacks will be encouraged to "level up" or risk being mocked by a guy named Dazza at every intersection.

As part of the plan, parking spaces across Cronulla Plaza, Wanda Beach, and Woolooware Golf Course will be expanded to accommodate modern vehicular “needs.” The current plan is to scrap two standard spaces to make room for every new RAM, with luxury perks like rear-view mirror polishing stations and complimentary BBQs for tailgate parties.

Critics argue the move is environmentally unfriendly, economically dubious, and outright ludicrous. But supporters—mostly seen revving their engines in front of cafes—insist it’s a game-changer. “Mate, if your car doesn’t need its own postcode, are you even living?” asked local tradie Trent “Big T” McSteel, before climbing onto his ute’s roof for a better look at the ocean he could no longer park near due to his vehicle’s size.

Still, the council is unshaken by detractors, with Grunt reminding everyone of Cronulla’s core values. “We’re a community that believes bigger is better. Bigger cars, bigger parking, and, let’s face it, bigger egos. And if you don’t like it, you can always RAM your complaints elsewhere.”

Meanwhile, councilors are reportedly considering renaming the Shire’s main beach "Big Tyre Bay." Locals are encouraged to rev their support.