Local Retired Detectives Launch Emergency Service to Find Your Missing Deliveries: “We Solved Murders — We Can Handle UberEats and Amazon.

Sandy Shores | Editor in Chief | Sutherland Shire Gazette

29 April 2025

SUTHERLAND - In a move nobody saw coming but everybody desperately needed, a group of retired detectives has launched an emergency response unit dedicated to locating your missing UberEats orders, lost Amazon packages, and rogue parcels allegedly “delivered safely” to the wrong kayak.

Operating under the grimly heroic motto “No Parcel Left Behind,” the new taskforce is made up of ex-homicide, fraud, and organised crime veterans who say their decades of experience solving murders have prepared them for the most serious modern crime wave: missing deliveries.

“Triple homicide? Sure. Fraud syndicate? No worries,” said team leader Barry Molyneux, polishing a magnifying glass with visible disdain. “Finding your misdelivered set of silicone baking mats from Amazon? Absolutely within our skillset - even if they’ve somehow ended up wedged behind a stranger’s wheelie bin in Bangor.”

Residents can now dial a hotline when they realise the "secure location" for their urgent parcel appears to be an abandoned dinghy, or when the UberEats map shows their pad Thai taking a casual detour through Heathcote.

Each recovery operation includes a full forensic sweep of a five-house radius, diplomatic but firm questioning of neighbours (escalating to "serious tone" if the missing item is edible), and a formal incident report suitable for escalating your furious Amazon claim.

The detectives say they were inspired after noticing that 90% of local WhatsApp groups and Facebook community pages have quietly devolved into neighbourhood crime scenes - pixelated photos of random porches and panicked pleas like, “Does anyone recognise this front door?? Amazon says it’s mine.”

“Frankly,” said Barry, glancing around suspiciously at a stack of unclaimed ASOS parcels, “tracking down a stolen identity used to be the height of crime detection. Now? It’s finding out who’s got your dog shampoo.”

Demand is reportedly skyrocketing, particularly around 6pm every Saturday, when people realise their $42 UberEats order has been delivered to an empty camper trailer parked three streets away.

Locals are advised to book early - or, at the very least, start memorising what every neighbour’s front step looks like.