Westfield Miranda Carpark Declared 'National Gridlock Landmark' Amid Pre-Christmas Chaos

Finn Seabrook | Local Correspondent | Sutherland Shire Gazette

21 December 20224

The Sutherland Shire descended into traffic mayhem today as thousands of husbands launched their traditional Last-Minute Christmas Shopping Dash, causing gridlock from Kirrawee to Caringbah and plunging Westfield Miranda into full-scale carpark meltdown.

Local Facebook groups @EverythingSutherlandShire and @SutherlandShireIncidents were flooded with desperate posts asking whether it was “even worth it” to attempt Westfield. One anxious poster asked, “Does anyone know the secret carpark exit that doesn’t lead straight back into the jam on Jackson Avenue?” Replies ranged from “Just abandon your car and Uber home” to “Try the staff-only ramp if you’ve lost all hope.”

Karen Fletcher of Gymea Bay begged her husband Greg not to go, warning, “It’s a death trap.” But Greg insisted, armed with nothing but blind confidence and his Visa debit card. By noon, he was reportedly stuck between the rooftop exit and a conga line of stalled SUVs, clutching a bottle of discounted perfume and looking visibly panicked.

Meanwhile, local traffic monitors declared Westfield’s carpark “a no-go zone” after multiple husbands were spotted attempting illegal U-turns near the food court entrance. Security staff reported seeing one particularly frazzled dad trying to navigate the loading dock while muttering, “There’s gotta be a secret way out.”

Emergency volunteers were dispatched with Bunnings vouchers and sausage sandwiches in an attempt to coax stranded shoppers back to reality. Westfield management is considering installing an “Express Husband Retrieval Lane” for 2024.

As of press time, Greg was still missing, last seen frantically Googling “gifts for wife under $50 that seem thoughtful” while circling the Level 3 carpark ramp for the fourth time. His wife remains cautiously optimistic: “At least he remembered to take the credit card this year.”